i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
