I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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