I was born with a shot glass in my hand
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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