1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
