Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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