On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
