im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
