Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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