new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
