Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
