Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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