how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
