best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
