I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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