I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
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I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
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Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.