and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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