I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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