If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool