someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts