I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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