I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
