i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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