my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
