I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
