the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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