Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We're too hungover to prance.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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