God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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