I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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