coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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