the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.