u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
