I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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