Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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