If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
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