Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
