I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
