I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
