Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
