way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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