Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
