Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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