I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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