I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
