Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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