Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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