from now on my penis is your penis
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
