morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
