anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
