Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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