it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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