1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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