his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
