I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
