you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
