The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
