i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
