Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
