I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
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i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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