I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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