I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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