Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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