dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
