Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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