it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
