pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
